Foster parenting

I announced to the Instagram/Facebook world last week that we are preparing to become Foster Parents.  By doing so, I knew there would be a lot of questions that couldn't be answered on a simple Instagram post, so I thought I'd take some time to go through possible questions that we have received/will be getting.
As a little background, we've been thinking about and wanting to do foster parenting for a while now.  It all started when we lived in Portland and met Peyton.  She was the most adorable baby that just instantly loved me, and she was a foster child.  It broke my heart that there are these children who have gone through so much trauma and all they need is a little bit of normal, a little peek into what a regular family looks like and functions like, a lotta bit of love, and what a difference that can make in their lives.  I loved the thought of being that person for these children and knew that at some point, we'd be doing foster care.  Fast forward to now, we were getting ready to move into our house with plenty of room, and a friend let me know that foster classes were coming to HEBER in May on WEEKENDS when it will be easiest for us to attend.  I couldn't say no or put it off any longer, not with timing like that!  So we're on the path to becoming licensed foster parents and could potentially be ready to house children as early as August of this year.
Now on to the question part. :)  

1.  Q. Does this mean you've given up on trying to have biological children?
A.  No.  We still want to continue trying to have biological children but I've come to the very real realization that to achieve our dream of becoming pregnant, the next step is IVF.  Which we don't have the money for.  So while we are saving up for that, we will be doing what we can to help children in need and offer all our love.
2. Q. I thought you didn't want to adopt.
A. First off, I never said that. I said adoption wasn't right for us right now.  Secondly, foster parenting is not adopting.  Yes, it can lead to adoption in some cases, but the main goal of fostering is to have the children returned to their parents.  In our last foster class, we were told that the percentage of children in this region who end up being adopted is close to around 20%.  So it's not super common.
3. Q. If the child/children we were fostering became available for adoption, would you adopt them?
A. Most likely yes.  Adopting through Utah Foster Care costs nothing.  That's right, it's basically free.  Adoption through a private agency costs around $40,000.  So if we were to ever adopt children, this would be the way we'd go (at least at this point in our lives).
4. Q. Does this mean you're quitting your job?
A. No.  To be honest, I am the primary breadwinner in our home.  I'm not trying to discredit my husband or shame him, he has worked very hard to get where he is and I am so proud of him.  The truth is that I do make more money that him, and I have company provided benefits that we can't do without.  Without both of us working, we'd be in big trouble.  I'm trying to work out a situation with my work to make it easier for me to be a foster parent, but I also am searching for daycares in this area that aren't super expensive.  While foster parents are reimbursed for children's needs, it's only around $15 a day and one day care that I've heard of charges $25 a day.  We're definitely not doing foster care for the money and will probably be spending more out of pocket than what we will be getting, another reason we will need both of us to be working.
5. Q. Isn't foster parenting hard?
A. Yes. I'm sure it is.  Isn't normal parenting hard? I'm sure it will be hard to take these children into our homes and our hearts and love them unconditionally and then see them go.  They can come with so much trauma in their young lives and could be very difficult to handle.  But if we can make just a little difference in their lives, it's worth it. 
6. Q. What age group do you want?
A. With foster parenting, you can specify what age group you are willing to take.  For us, we have said 0-4 but are willing to go up to age 8 if there was a sibling group situation.
7. Q. How can I help?
A. Great Question! ;) Because we don't know what ages we'll be parenting, and there is such a big range in supplies for a baby vs an 8 year old, if you have any old children furniture that you're not using anymore and would like to donate, we would appreciate it! Cribs, car seats, high chairs, toys, we have nothing! Most parents have 9 months (and a baby shower) to prepare for their children and they know they'll be babies.  We only have a few months until we'll be licensed and don't know the size of child we'll be getting. So if you feel the desire to help and have anything you're not using (or could sell to us for cheap), let me know.

Any other questions? I'm an open book people. :)

The 7 year itch

I guess blog posts are bound to decrease when one cancels their internet at home....
But here I am!  Because there's been a lot on my mind lately.
Today is our 7 year anniversary.  And I don't have anything gooshy or lovey dovey to share.  But I have been thinking a lot about being married for 7 years and about our infertility.  It's been hard lately.
A year ago on our anniversary we were celebrating in Mesa and Vegas started another round of fertility treatments as soon as we got home.  It had been a big break in treatments (since seeing the terrible specialist in Portland) and I was excited for what the year would bring.  During that month's treatment cycle we did the water ultrasound and found Phyllis.  Dang you Phyllis.  Surgery was in April and then we started a fertility round the very next month in May.  Which was no dice.  Things got crazy when I switched jobs in June, signed our contract for building our house in July, and then Dustin got a new job in August and started it in September.
It was a wild summer and by the time things calmed down, we felt that it wasn't the right timing for treatments that fall.  So we waited until winter.  And things felt good again.  So we did a monitored "timed intercourse" cycle that started the very end of December and boy was I surprised when I had FOUR follicles ready for ovulation. They asked if I wanted to proceed because there was a much higher chance of multiples and I said "bring it on!" Well, none of them took.  So we did another round end of January and this time asked our family to fast with us.  Because fertility treatments are hard.  And emotional.  And a financial burden.  That round brought one perfectly ready follicle but again, no luck.
Of course in the middle of this cycle, the {crap} hit the fan.  Our house will be ready in April and our down payment will be due.  We did our taxes and turns out when you start making twice as much money as before (with two incomes vs one that we had had for so long while Dustin was in school), you have to change your tax exemptions or you owe (and you owe a lot).  Again, due mid April.  And then Dustin ruptured his Achilles playing basketball.  Thankfully we didn't have to do surgery, saving us over $3000 that would also most likely be due in April, but it was still an added expense.  Proof once again that things come in 3's. 
So with all that was going on, I didn't feel like we could continue treatments at this time.  Which sucks.
I distinctly remember when we were first trying to get pregnant, I had a conversation with a coworker who told me her sister finally adopted after trying to get pregnant for 7 years.  And I thought to myself, "there's NO WAY I would wait that long to adopt!"  Well guess what.  It's been about 7 years.  And guess what.  Adoption isn't even on our radar.  I know people are trying to be nice and friendly when they hear our story and then immediately ask if we are going to adopt, but it drives me crazy.  I have nothing against adoption, but it has NEVER felt right.  And with how hard adoption is, I can't feel good about investing that much emotionally and financially for something that doesn't feel right.  You gotta be in the right mindset and I'm not.  I'm so open about our infertility so I'd be open about our adoption plans too.  So please.  If you're wanting to ask, don't.  And if we are going to adopt, I promise I'll let you know.
I wish I could say that I knew exactly what the plan is, but I don't.  I'm tired of trying and failing.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up on a good cycle only for the news to be bad.  I'm tired of having to defend myself when people ask why we don't have kids or when we're going to start our family.  It's hard guys.  And I don't think I can emotionally handle it anymore.  So I think I'm taking a break.  A break from fertility treatments.  At least for a little while.  A break to work on myself and finding my zen.  To find inner peace and really figure out what we're supposed to do.  I know we're supposed to have a family, I just don't know when or how.  We'll figure it out.  And until then, I will work on me.  Because that's all I can control.  And because I need to be happy and willing to accept whatever the answer is.
So happy 7 years to us.  To all we've gone through and all we will continue to go through in the next 7 years.  It's not always easy but I'm so grateful that at the end of the day, I have my best friend and lover with me. And if it's just us forever, I can probably be ok with that.  Because I really like him.  And he makes me happy.

Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month

I was trying to caption an Instagram post that was turning into a novel, so I figured I should just get it all out in a post.

Most of you know that October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.  I haven't been able to put to words all my thoughts on this so I've stayed quiet, even though I'm not quiet about our infertility journey.  For me, these two have gone hand in hand.  I've had three miscarriages from pregnancies that were achieved through fertility treatments. These were all pregnancies I had hoped and prayed for, only to have them end in the first trimester, never getting my take home baby. 
My heart breaks every time I hear someone's story of their loss.  I am so proud of all the women raising their voices to share their stories the past few weeks.  I know it's not easy, but there is so much love and strength that comes when we share our struggles and losses. 
I think of how different our lives would be if each baby lived.  I am grateful for the experiences we have had over the years of infertility, and know that they have shaped us into who we are today.  We are very blessed. Even though we still have no babies running around in our home calling me mommy, they are each a part of my heart and I am a mother.  I am thankful we can spend this month remembering each angel baby because I know that each woman who has gone through this loss thinks about what could have, would have, should have been.

First Design Appointment

We had our first design appointment this past Saturday on September 26th.  The whole week leading up to it I was so full of emotions-- anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, panicked, and then finally on Friday the day before I was really really excited.
If we would have had our design appointment right after we signed off on structurals (mid August), our home would have turned out so differently.  Having 6 weeks gave me way too much time to research all the brands and products and upgrades that we wanted.  I priced out all the upgrades again and again and again to try to stay within our budget.  Of course we got there and ended up changing things a little when we got to make the actual choices instead of just basing it on levels pricing.  
Our designer Heidi was lots of fun to work with.  Because I had done so much research before our appointment that I felt well prepared.  That is, until she asked us to pick out hardware for our cabinets.  I told her I didn't want to get hardware through them, we would do it ourselves.  Then she dropped a bomb.  She said that if we added our own hardware after, then it would void our warranty because it would be modifying the cabinets.  We decided to upgrade our cabinets quite a bit and they come with a limited lifetime warranty.  I would HATE to void that kind of warranty!  So I had a mini meltdown trying to pick out some hardware.  I didn't love any of their choices and had already made up my mind on some that we found at Home Depot that are MUCH cheaper (especially since they don't have extra costs tacked on for installation).
Because I was so well prepared, we cruised right along and had time to go over EVERYTHING.  We are waiting on pricing for a few items but should be able to sign off on everything at our next appointment next Friday the 9th!

I'd love to post pictures but I feel like they just don't do it justice, so except for this sneak peek at our exterior, pictures will have to wait until they're installed for reals. Unless my new iPhone gets here before our next design appointment, then maybe I can get some good pics to share for those siblings that live far away (or they can always ask for updates and crappy pics) ;)

I'm so excited to get everything finalized and I love how it's turning out!   
If you hate my choices, just pretend like you love them, because I do haha. 
According to our latest update from our sales agent, our plans are to the city for permit so hopefully they can start digging the end of October/beginning of November!

Coming early 2016...

I can't believe that almost two months ago we started the process to sign our lives away... at least the next 30ish years of it.
We are building a home in Heber with Oakwood Homes and are super excited about it!
At first I was in denial.  Lots and lots of denial.  We had been looking at builders and existing homes for months.  We really liked Edge Homes but the floorplan we wanted seemed out of budget.  We discovered Oakwood Homes in June and I fell in love.  Their floorplans are perfect for our starter home and in a price range we were happy with.  Homes in Heber are PRICEY, and these new construction homes were the best price we've found plus they are NEW and will be finished however we want!
I feel like Oakwood Homes gives you more bang for your buck.  They seemed to have more included items in the base price of the home (like granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, LARGE kitchen islands) that would all be upgrades for Edge.  I notice as I type this that those are all kitchen upgrades haha.  It's true, Oakwood Homes have nice kitchens and that was a super important condition for me.  Even little things that you wouldn't think as much about like including elongated toilets (instead of circle), large walk in showers in the master bath, etc. are included in the base price.  So I feel like we're getting a great deal!
The biggest downside to Oakwood Homes in Heber is that their lot sizes are teeny tiny.  Like .11 acres- you can reach out and touch your neighbors house- teeny tiny.  They had a few bigger lot sizes available but they were on a road that required you to do a 3 car garage to match the curb appeal of the Ivory Homes subdivision across the street.  And for us, a 3rd car garage wasn't exactly what we want, need, or have the money to pay for in a first time home purchase.  The floorplan we also were most interested in doesn't have a model home in Heber and I wanted to be able to walk through it before deciding to buy it.
We were in contact with our sales agent and let her know that we were interested in a particular lot that was one of the biggest lots (.19 acres), on a corner, and didn't require a 3rd car garage.  That was on a Wednesday.  She wrote back to us that the lot wasn't available yet and that many people had interest in that lot so it might come down to a lottery.  That Friday night we got another email back saying that the lot was available! Saturday we drove to Centerville to walk through our floorplan model and then met with her that afternoon to sign a contract.  We put our earnest money down and got the lot we wanted!

Our corner lot

It was super nerve wracking to sign the contract and it took us a good while to do it.  I felt like we were crazy but at the same time felt really good about building this home.  We said a prayer before we went in to our meeting and by the time it was signing time, we still felt like it was the right thing to do.  Even though we were unsure about Dustin's job or what the heck we're doing in life, we felt like this is where we are supposed to be. Side bar- Dustin's job has all worked out, he's now at a different clinic in Park City working for Dr. EJ Raven and we are so happy for this change!  It was such a blessing to us and amazing to me how it all worked out in the timing that it did.  We love the Ravens are are very happy to be a part of Freedom Chiropractic!
The next day (Sunday), I was super anxious and afraid that we had made a terrible mistake.  At church we sang Hymn No. 34 and when we came to this verse I felt like it was a confirmation that we had made the right choice.  But when we drove home from church, we both said that we were really sad to be leaving our ward.  We love the Heber 1st ward!

PS don't mind the typo on the last line.  Auto correct was out to get me.  It should just be "All my hopes are centered in thee."

This picture is the  view from the backyard of our new house looking at Mt Timp.  I'm so excited to make Heber our mountain home!  I've been scouring Pinterest and Houzz for ideas, and crowd sourcing ideas on Facebook.  I love all the ideas and have to keep telling myself "this is our FIRST home, it's a STARTER home, we don't need ALL THE THINGS!" But I think it will still be a really nice house.
If you'd like to take a virtual tour of the model home, you can check it out here.  And if you want to see the floorplan, you can find it here and then click on "Search for homes in Cottages" and we are the Granby floorplan.
Our design center appointment is in 2 weeks and I can't wait! We've already been to the design center a few times to scope things out and get a feel for where we want to put our money and the different finishes for everything. It's so much to decide!
They told us it should be done in February, but we are thinking it will probably be March.  Our plans are in to architecture to get permits so hopefully once we're done with all the design center appointments in a month, they can get things started soon after!
I apologize in advance for all the house pictures/posts to come in the next few months.  I'm a little bit obsessed and excited.

Life is good

Oh hello there.  I'm back.  It's been a while.  We're still alive.  Life is good.  Really good.

A few months ago I saw a job posting on Facebook for an Accounts Payable job in Midway.  The job description sounded exactly like what I was doing in Portland with much better pay than my current job.  I wasn't looking for a new job, but it seemed like this job was perfect for me.  So I applied.  And I got the job!
I am now working for Millstream Group in Midway and I LOVE my job!!!  I love what I do, the people I work with are great, and the environment is so relaxed.  I've never had a job with such low stress before and it's so so nice.  I'm really really happy with it.  Another upside to the new job is that the company gives employees money in a Health Reimbursement account that I will be able to use for fertility treatments.
Speaking of fertility treatments...
After my surgery in April I did a monitored cycle in May.  I kinda talked about that in my last post.  My mid cycle ultrasound showed one big beautiful egg that was ready to go. Which is great because I had just done one shot of Bravelle instead of two!  We did the HCG trigger shot and then went through the 2 week wait.  Which thankfully went by quickly.  I could tell before we even went in for the blood test that I wasn't pregnant.  Which was a bummer.  But even with with the best of situations, a normal couple only has a 20% chance of conception each cycle.  So we just need to try again.  And again. And again.  Until it works.  Or at least a couple months to really give it a chance.
With the new job, I haven't been back for a fertility cycle since the one in May.  I'm hoping that next month we can get back at it.  Especially since we have a little extra money from my HRA.  I want to try doing treatments and Whole30 at the same time.  I know they are both stressful and I can't usually handle doing two stressful things like that at the same time, but with my job being so awesome and low stress, I think I can do both at the same time and I KNOW it will help with our chances. 
So September 1 I'm hoping to start another round of Whole30 with treatments to follow soon after!

That's the latest for us! 

Hysteroscopy and post surgery

Surgery was kinda forever ago.  Good news- it went well.  I wanted a picture of Phyllis and the doctor said he would be taking pictures throughout the procedure, but I haven't seen them yet.  So sorry, you get no Phyllis pictures.  I know you're super bummed that you don't get to see the inside of my uterus.
I was told that I wasn't allowed to wear any makeup, jewelry, lotions, perfumes, nothing to the surgery.  So I got to wake up and leave au natural. 

We got to the hospital and didn't have to wait long before we were all checked in and back in pre-op sporting the fabulous hospital gown. 

Then a series of nurses came in and out and all asked the same five questions.  I'm not sure if it's because they just don't want to read your chart, or if it's because they want to make sure you're still you and haven't had your secret body double come and sub in for you.
My main nurse was a cute young thing and I think we scared her with putting the IV in by telling her my veins are difficult.  Which they are, and I wanted to give her a fair heads up.  She tried once (and it left a nasty bruise), but she wasn't able to get a good prick so she had a more experienced nurse come in.  She got it in my hand and that meant we were ready for business.  Then came the anesthesiologist to ask the same 5 questions as everyone else.  A few more nurses, and we were off to the operating room!

They put the mask on me to start the anesthesia and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in post op hearing Dr. Foulk talking on the phone telling Dustin that the surgery went well and hearing someone else's conversation about puddings in the storage closet or something... there was definitely pudding talk in the background.
I had some pretty hard uterus cramping when I woke up, but they gave me some heat and a percocet with my Lorna Doone, and that felt pretty nice.  After we were checked out from the hospital we stopped at Winco for some crackers.  And like 4 boxes of brownie mix. Because anesthesia.  We got home and I was ready to crash on the couch.  My cute coworkers picked up some Kneaders soup, bread, and a magazine for my recovery.  I went back to work the next day but by 10 AM I was feeling sooo super tired so I left after a half day to go home and rest.  I think I slept that whole weekend.

 I never had much cramping after initially waking up, so that was good.  I had started my period the day of surgery but I'm thinking they just scooped everything out cuz I didn't really have much bleeding after.  Yay for a free period month.  My biggest side effect was just being really tired.  For like a week.  But really, recovery was really good.  And at least the hospital sent me a get well card before sending me the bills, haha.

Phyllis was located at the top of my uterus and, as expected, was quite large.  With her being at the top of the uterus, I can see why no good embryo would be able to make it.  Even if there was a good embryo, they probably would have tried to implant into uterus, causing a miscarriage.  They also checked for a septum in my surgery but Dr. Foulk said there was none.
I had a base line ultrasound today and things are all looking good.  My lining looks good and my ovaries look great, no cysts! One of the doctors said that my ovarian reserve is really good, that I have lots of good eggs!  Which I laugh at because I have a period every month but don't ovulate, so I would hope that my reserve is good!  My ovaries are hoarders.  I know that ovarian reserve is a real issue for many couples with infertility, but we are fortunate that is not the case.  With Phyllis gone, we just need to get me to ovulate!  And hopefully we will this month!  I started on meds again today and we are upping my Brevelle injection this month to get a better stimulation. 
Hoping and praying for a good fertility cycle this month!